its ultimately hope that keeps us going.......

These past few months have been a see-saw… At one time I am up against the sky, at another I am falling deep down into a gorge that threatens to fill me up and remove my very existence. This see-saw is kind of irritating. Not when I am up against the sky but when I am down. Very few people can actually figure out my mood swings, but the few who can always complain that I have lots of them. According to this great friend of mine, my moods are pretty understandable from the tone of my voice. The exact details I was not told, but the basic fact remained that according to what I said and how I responded in the first 2 minutes of the call, this friend could understand my mood with a reasonable degree of accuracy. Good. At least there is someone who can understand my moods. Anyways, I am obviously not giving a crash course on understanding me over here. What I am here to write about is this new discovery that I made. I discovered this friend, a completely different soul the likes of whom I have never seen in my life!

I have known this girl for a pretty long time now. It’s been several years that I know she existed. But until now I had never had the opportunity nor had I ever made the effort of finding out who she really was.

In the past one year I had the opportunity of knowing her, thanks to the situation we had been put into. In the beginning she seemed to me to be more of a recluse, an introvert. And being a shy (YES I am!!!) person who finds it difficult to mix up fast, we didn’t have much of an interaction. Then both of us went for this camp, an escape decision for me. There too, there was not ample interaction, but still an improvement from the situation earlier. And now in the span of a few months, there has been a great change. I don’t know why I am writing about her suddenly. I guess it all comes about because of what she told me last night. These past 2-3 weeks, have been on the lower side of the see-saw. I haven’t been confiding in any of my friends because I didn’t want to. When a person doesn’t share her problems that person doesn’t like hearing problems of others. As a result I have been avoiding most people, except probably those who don’t have that many problems to share. I have been partying, movies, eating out, the likes, but never from my heart, never completely there. This particular girl, lets call her F for convenience. Now F basically had no clue about what was going on. She has some idea about some issues in my life, but never a completely detailed account that would enable her to offer solutions. Last night, when I was completely irritated over certain people, F gave me a call. After discussing certain light topics, I don’t know why the topic shifted to the *classified* zone. And this girl gave me a push up the see-saw. Just like that. So simply. She suggested a simple thing that I could do. A very very simple thing, which had eluded me as simple things always do. Suddenly since morning, I have had such a different rush of adrenaline, something inside me which has given me a purpose. I know the thing F told me to do, will probably have no effect no consequence. I told her that what I wanted to achieve was impossible. And she replied that if I thought it was impossible I would never be able to achieve it. I know it is a frequently said line. Often heard. But when you are actually down and sad, the right timing and utterance of that line makes a lot of difference. And it did, to me, yesterday.

So now I feel the tiniest bit better. :) Thanks to F :)

Another thing. One of my friends asked me the other day, why I write this blog. She said that I shouldn’t be writing down everything so “openly”!
I don’t know why, but this blog gives me a very nice release. I don’t feel free in confiding in people, most people that is, and this blog serves like a virtual person. I can say and write whatever I want, there is no barring. And then I can look back and understand how I reacted later on. And why not a diary? Well simply because I like typing. And yes, I am not influence by Amitabh or Aamir; I have been blogging for the last 2 years, just that it was not on this particular blog.

Right?

Cya.

in search of heaven....

I finally saw Jannat today...
And man! Is that movie absolutely GREAT!!!!!!!!
The story revolves around betting, match fixing and a man's desire to achieve all he wants. Its about love that destroys....

And i so love Mr Hashmi. I drooled over him throughout. He looks so brilliantly sexy! lol!
I dont have much time to type now...
So i ll log out...
But do check out the pics below!!
Sorry to the few guys who are reading this!!!!!!










HE HE !!!
ISN'T HE GREAT????
LOLLLLZZZZZZ

Of Panchvi Pass And SRK.... And my mind.. And exams and JANNAT!!!!!

Hi all… It’s been a long time since I did any blogging... and in the meanwhile my blog is becoming popular!! :) I’ve had some people calling me up and commenting on the articles... Thanks a lot and I would like to tell all of you that you are free to post any sort of comments on my blog itself!

Now let’s start the writing part. There are so many things that I want to write about that I actually have to stop and think about what to write first.
;)
First comes the great very hyped show - Kya Aap Panchvi Pass Se Tez Hain? That started this Friday. I confess I was looking forward to this show very much especially because I wanted to see what class V questions these people would ask that would be difficult.
The show started with a female contestant. I am always apprehensive of female contestants coz they tend to drool over the host rather than playing the game. And since Indian game shows cannot function without using the biggest celebrity hosts like Amitabh Bacchan and SRK it happens each time a female candidate comes. This time too I wasn’t disappointed much. The contestant was a doctorate in Hindi from Orissa. And though she didn’t drool over SRK much she did crack silly jokes and giggle (in the very Ash-like fashion). Every time the little kids helped her out (which was the maximum number of time anyways) she went over to the kid and hugged him/her and plunked a kiss on the forehead. But the fact remains that what I understood from the show was that these kids didn’t actually know the answers anyway. They were only asked to do a little bit of nautanki and press the red buzzer after some time. The answers were fixed beforehand. The children in the show are all celebrity children – whom we have seen in numerous advertisements. They can’t be that smart anyways. The kids are an added attraction in the show because the makers have to show that the questions they are asking can be answered by Class V students. The Class V kid in our homes might not (and probably will not) be able to answer these questions and the Indian Public will jump to the conclusion that the show is not asking appropriate questions. And as for the questions themselves, they didn’t seem Class V standard anyways. But they have to ask a little difficult questions because they can’t be handing out 5 crore rupees like chocolates right?? Overall the show is okay, questions are nice and we have fun trying to answer them since they seem more answerable than KBC ones. But the biggest selling point of the show is not the questions, the kids, or the money; instead it is SRK. I doubt this show would be successful without brand SRK behind it.

Brand SRK is behind almost everything these days. He tells us to buy Santro, use Nokia with an Airtel connection, use Dish TV, drink Pepsi as well as see IPL and support his Knight Riders. Though he has made a smart decision and got the team and the icon of Kolkata – probably the most sport crazy city with Eden Gardens behind it, he still will find it tough to make them win. All his crazy publicity antics notwithstanding. I am supporting Rajasthan Royals, not only because I am a Rajasthani myself, but also because they have been labeled the underdogs… and I like supporting such people coz I find they have nothing to loose and everything to win.

Aahhh… I think this entry is turning out to be more of a review of SRK. He he :D
Now to more personal and slightly more mundane matters. My exams are coming up and this time i'm sh*t scared. Yeah I am – the “eco genius” as some of my friends call me, I am. I can’t seem to concentrate much, the little time that I get to study I waste looking around or thinking of other things. Most of the time I keep missing my Class XII time, the fun I had in studying that time, the amount of motivation I had. It’s been all downhill from there.
But anyways, the exams need to be given, life has to be lived. I am tired of running after people all the time. Finding out the mistakes I have done. In every fight, in every misunderstanding I can’t be the one at fault every single time, right? And yet, I suffer from such a deep sense of insecurity that I tend to believe I am the wrong-doer and the one who should apologize. But this time, I’ve had enough. I have found out I really am not dependent on friends that much. And I am trying to wean myself off them. Because of experience I have had I can say it’s okay to be dependent on someone. But once that person leaves your life – be it anyone – life stops. It literally does. And I don’t know how to start it again. So my policy in life has become be good to everyone. And if someone is not good to you, forget it. It’s no point saying sorry and admitting to errors you know you haven’t done. Once you do such a thing, I am sorry to say every fight from then onwards would be a repeat telecast – because of you fault only. And there is nothing left of your self esteem by then. With friends I have decided to overlook most things. As a result there is a lot of bottled stuff inside me, which is about to explode for some of them at least.
I am talking in so many jumbles!! But that’s because I don’t want to name anyone coz ultimately I love all my friends no matter what all they’ve done.
Another thing that has majorly irritated me since such a long time. The normal complaint i have received from all my friends is that i dont seem affected by any fights. Most of the time if i have fought with someone, say friends or siblings, i appear super normal - jumpy - happy - chilled out, and no one can, just by looking at me or observing me understand if something is wrong. Well that is just me. No one can understand what my state of mind is. No one. I dont believe in displaying my emotions to any tom dick or harry, and thus my facial expressions and my laughter is not indicative of my happiness.
I hope people understand this. My friends basically.

And finally, this week I ended IICP. And my heart is very very heavy because I didn’t want to. I love that place because I BELONG there. A great thank you to Rohit, Vinay, Kunal and Poonam for being my IICP – mates!! Loved it there with all of you!!

One more thing. Before my FA exam, I tended to study while listening to the radio. And I found that apart from the regular stations – Power FM, Radiomirchi and Red FM, there is another station previously unknown to me. It’s called Fever 104 FM. And it’s great. So please start listening to it. (Now that’s called Brand Apurva behind it!!!!)

Apart from all this, no great news. Waiting for exams to end and after that I really want to see the movie Jannat. I know I know. It’s got Emraan Hashmi. This is why I want to see it. He seems one of the few real “men” in our film industry – who don’t put on lipstick for shoots in the snow, and don’t for heavens sake “do” their eyebrows!! Sheeesh!!!!!! And it’s his first release after almost a year – so I am all first-day-first-show for it!! :D And I’ll go with my bestest friend coz then I can crack weird one-liners when I want to without scandalizing anyone. ;)

ha ha!!

And lastly – yeah yeah don’t get bored, this will be the last – there are several ads which I’ve liked these days. One Havells cables ad – with the poor child turning the cable into an instrument to cook with. The Vodafone ads. And all the Jannat promos. LOL!!

I just realised how cut off I am from someone. No idea what's happening in their life. Shit. I hate myself for this.

AND.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROHIT BHAIYA!!! May we have great fun at On Track today with a BIG hole in ur pocket!!!!! he he
Enough typing for today. Catch all of u later. Tc and please study hard for all sorts of exams that are coming up for almost everybody! And stay cool in this hot weather!
Chao.